Sunday, November 29, 2009


For the last couple of months, I've been working on recapturing my music collection. When my Dell of almost eleven years had a hard drive crash (That's right 11 years, unheard of) after trying to remove a virus someone on twitter sent me (Thank you very Much Mark Taylor) I could not salvage anything. Of course it is my fault for not having it all backed up to a external hard drive. A lesson hard learned to say the least. As many of you know I'm a DJ on blipFM and it has been a learning experience to become exposed to new music and friends. I love the variety of the music these awesome DJ's blip on there. I was never really a big "Metal" freak or a big hair fan, whatever you want to call it, but since becoming a DJ, I have discovered/re-discovered all these bands. My mainstream music has always been Classic Rock, Alternative, Pop, Jazz. I have such a vast knowledge of Classic rock that many think I'm much older than I really am. I have devoted ridiculous hours studying and listening to it. Still I find it amazing that there such a vast amount of music out there that I know little about. I would really like to take an opportunity to thank all of the DJ's on blip for sharing with me their music and knowledge of all kinds. My heart is still deep rooted in the classic rock, but thanks to them, I have learned to grow in appreciation of some great musical styles. Besides, I can't listen to the same stuff all the time, even though I think my ipod is possessed to keep playing the same bands over and over when set on shuffle. With close to 5000 songs now and growing, you would think it would have plenty to shuffle around!
I wish I could thank you all personally but there are vastly too many. You all are AWESOME!!

Saturday, November 28, 2009


A dear friend and fellow writer told me recently that after saying I love you to someone, the next best thing you can say is I'm Sorry. While it is a hard and humbling thing to apologize to another person, sometimes it is not accepted by the person you did not intend to hurt in the first place. Sometimes it is just too late or for reasons unknown to you, they cannot forgive you. It is too bad our emotions don't come with a built-in time out. That would certainly prevent me from overreacting and running away with my emotions. I do tend to make ridiculous assumptions about what I think is/isn't going on. I cannot believe that I allow myself to be ruled by my head, even after all the wrong roads it has taken me down. My heart should be the only thing I ever listen to, so why I let my head try to convince me that something completely false is real is beyond me. I'm old enough to know I should take a step back and pause before reacting. I've been trying to do a little soul-searching to see if I can find out where the insecurities come from. Sure, there is a lot of hurt and mistrust in my past. There is always my father's influence and his strong negativity lingering in me. My mother's overbearing influence and obsession with protection. I know how all of these have shaped me, and still I remain an individual that has to take responsibility for my action. I cannot blame my up-bringing or past hurt for my actions today. I probably had the most positive person in my life in years, and instead of enjoying her and growing our relationship, I allowed my head to start down a negative anti-trust spiral down. Is it true that we get stuck, because we think that we do not deserve to be happy? or is it being comfortable in our misery? If I think the worst, then I cannot be hurt again, or some idiotic line of thought. The hardest thing for me to do is to just stop all the internal dialog and just listen to my heart. I have spent years building up a barrier to shield myself from hurt.
I do not wish to live like this anymore. I do not want to become my father and mother. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on in a positive direction. I want to believe and know in my heart that I deserve happiness and living in the positive. Listen to your heart, Jeff. It has always known the true meaning of love and been there to guide you, if you would just let it!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Wow! What a rough week! Thanksgiving tomorrow and I can tell you all right now, about the only thing I will be thankful for is that I can keep plying myself with alcohol all day, for when I return on monday, my life will become a holy living hell!
Isn't it great to get a day or two off but most companies these days are not about to loose any revenue over it. The old days of actually celebrating a holiday and not worrying in the true spirit, of how much it was going to cost them. Those days are long gone my friends. Now it is more like sure we have to give you a paid day off, but you are going to make up for it by doing two days work in one when you get back!
At least, that is how it is in the medical field and I suspect it is like that everywhere. Retail has got to be the worst though. I pity anyone working in retail during the holidays. So as I drink myself into a stupor tomorrow, I'll be hoping that you all will too and we all can be thankful for having a job and living in this great country whichever one you got stuck calling home. I'm sure whatever country you live in is the best no matter what anyone tells you.
We'll be drinking Margaritas by the seaside, mamasita!
Ok so it's only a creek but I do love that line from Thelma and Louise.
What could be better than that except maybe umm.. you know what with those two by the seaside as they were soooo hot in those days. Susan Serrandan and Gena Davis were both extremely sexy in their youth. They both still have a lot of sexual appeal!
ok I'm going off a sidetrack here, but come to think of it, it is not one I would mind at all going off on. The average male mind thinks about sex every five minutes, they say but I think about it probably every few seconds :)
Happy Thanksving!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Is everyone ready for Thanksgiving?
Now I know some folks love the holidays! The chance to be around family, friends, acts of merriment. I go just for the food! I know that sounds terrible doesn't it? The fact remains, that in my family, I will be offended at some point over some political argument or crack. I'm always out numbered, so they feel free to make whatever joke or comment about how my side is screwed up! They even have their kids join in with the joke fest. Does this happen in every one's household? I'm sure I'm not alone in hating being in the position of being a minority and apparently an idiot for having my beliefs. It always leaves me with a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that in another month I get to come back again to do it all over again. Can't wait! On the other side of the family, I get this email from my sister written by her daughter, my niece, saying that she wanted to have the Thanksgiving dinner at her house and she wanted all of the family "and I mean all of the family" there. The email goes on to mention everyone in the family by name except me. I email my sister back and say; "I guess she really only wanted the "real" family to come because, apparently I'm not a part of. At this point, some of you may be thinking that this man is too sensitive and should just go with the flow? I probably would save myself a lot of anguish if i could, but for reasons beyond my control, I always get real emotional at this time of year. Do some of you have this happen, and if so how do you cope with it?
If I'm lucky, I can get through the day of watching football, listening to political shit, the family gossip, eating so many snacks that I have no appetite for the big turkey dinner, not to mention numerous amounts of drinks. The more I can drink, the easier to cope. Then when it is finally time to sit down and devour the feast, they have this tradition of going around the table and asking each person to state what they are thankful for this year! PLEASE, please, please spare me!! Now we have to listen to about 20-25 people rant on about being thankful for their spouses, children, health you all know the drill. Does anyone remember what the next person was thankful for the previous year? I think not. I know I don't nor do I really care because it all hype anyways. This also gives them an excuse to once again mention their political gratitude for what a great country we live in blah blah blah! One year we said we were not going to do anything political and so who starts in, but the youngest daughter! My sister smacked her in the back of the head which triggered another heated exchange from her dad about how dare she put her hands on his daughter! Got to love it!
Mother, Mary and Joseph please get me through this week!
Please comment to me on how normal people celebrate thanksgiving or how yours is much worse than mine. Misery loves company!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

It has been a rough week. My co-worker was let go on Monday and I have been running a one-man show. I knew it would be rough when they started piling on more patients. The first three days I had help from others and everything seemed to be ok. Now toward the end of the week and still way behind, the enthusiasm to help has somewhat faded. I'm getting responses like, "i have a meeting to go to and will help when it's over then nothing. Or "i have to do this then I will be back and they don't come back. It is so typical in the workplace, that people have good intentions but when it comes down to it, they loose interest. This is not the type of job that you can let run behind before it starts running away out of control. I may have to just let that happen until they get the point. Human Resources crawls at turtle speed to get positions posted and really could care less how long it takes. Hiring a temp is not a good idea because the time it takes to train them is so time consuming that I may as well do it myself. Life is grand for me right now. I have put in long ass hours and feel like a permanent fixture there. Isn't it great to be screwed? Screwed is where I want to be! ha ha who cares! See you all when tide recedes! Peace out!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


The last coupla of days have been intense! I'm trying to get ready for a killer next week and knowing what I know and cannot share with anyone is causing me to loose sleep. There comes a price with privey information, so while I have the anticipation of the outcome of events, I cannot find any resolve in it. I will eliminate one problem while creating another. Isn't that always the way? Just when you find a way to make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends. I look to my friends and co-workers for support, knowing that I alone must accept the fate that is about to be bestowed upon me. hopefully, it will all work out in the end however I hate the unknown. It makes me uncomfortable.What is he rambling about you may ask? It all will be revealed by early next week when I can share what is happening at the workplace. If I can find a moment that is to be able to write. I know this is a crappy post! Please bear with me and I hope things will get better soon! Peace out!

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Today would have been my mother's birthday! She left us after suffering from Alzheimer's for the last part of her life. I was playing the song "mother" by Tori Amos to a dear friend when I realized what today was. My friends gift to me to keep me from being sad was to share her experience with helping her mother in assisted suicide. I cannot even fathom how something like that would affect me. I believe that when someone you love is suffering so much and there is nothing else that can be done to help them, that it is OK to help them cross over. The thought of actually having to assist with that is something I'm sure none of us can imagine how that feels. I know at some point I may be faced with this same decision. How do you weigh or balance your feelings on such a heavy burden? The legal ramifications alone, would be enough to scare me but as in her situation, the love for that person and helping them to end their suffering would out weigh the consequences. The guilt associated with the assist must be overwhelming though and I imagine would take a long time to heal from. whether one believes or not in suicide, there are some situations that make it impossible to just allow nature or God take care of. I know one day I will be faced with the same decision as we have already discussed at length this option when the time comes. Will I have the courage and will to carry this out? I hope I will, but I dread the thought of having to be in this position. If it was me who had to ask someone to help me die, I would hope they would help me leave the suffering behind and I know I would have to be at the brink of tolerance to give up hope like that. None of us really know what we would do, except my friend, but after reading extensively about starvation and what the body and soul goes through during that, there comes a point of no return when it must be best to resolve yourself to allow to move on to the next plane. Helping someone cross over can be a beautiful gift and everlasting at that. Feel free to post comments pro and con for I know there are many right and wrong answers on the subject. Judge not lest ye be judged comes to mind.