A dear friend and fellow writer told me recently that after saying I love you to someone, the next best thing you can say is I'm Sorry. While it is a hard and humbling thing to apologize to another person, sometimes it is not accepted by the person you did not intend to hurt in the first place. Sometimes it is just too late or for reasons unknown to you, they cannot forgive you. It is too bad our emotions don't come with a built-in time out. That would certainly prevent me from overreacting and running away with my emotions. I do tend to make ridiculous assumptions about what I think is/isn't going on. I cannot believe that I allow myself to be ruled by my head, even after all the wrong roads it has taken me down. My heart should be the only thing I ever listen to, so why I let my head try to convince me that something completely false is real is beyond me. I'm old enough to know I should take a step back and pause before reacting. I've been trying to do a little soul-searching to see if I can find out where the insecurities come from. Sure, there is a lot of hurt and mistrust in my past. There is always my father's influence and his strong negativity lingering in me. My mother's overbearing influence and obsession with protection. I know how all of these have shaped me, and still I remain an individual that has to take responsibility for my action. I cannot blame my up-bringing or past hurt for my actions today. I probably had the most positive person in my life in years, and instead of enjoying her and growing our relationship, I allowed my head to start down a negative anti-trust spiral down. Is it true that we get stuck, because we think that we do not deserve to be happy? or is it being comfortable in our misery? If I think the worst, then I cannot be hurt again, or some idiotic line of thought. The hardest thing for me to do is to just stop all the internal dialog and just listen to my heart. I have spent years building up a barrier to shield myself from hurt.
I do not wish to live like this anymore. I do not want to become my father and mother. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on in a positive direction. I want to believe and know in my heart that I deserve happiness and living in the positive. Listen to your heart, Jeff. It has always known the true meaning of love and been there to guide you, if you would just let it!