Saturday, November 28, 2009

SOMETIMES SORRY ISN'T ENOUGH

A dear friend and fellow writer told me recently that after saying I love you to someone, the next best thing you can say is I'm Sorry. While it is a hard and humbling thing to apologize to another person, sometimes it is not accepted by the person you did not intend to hurt in the first place. Sometimes it is just too late or for reasons unknown to you, they cannot forgive you. It is too bad our emotions don't come with a built-in time out. That would certainly prevent me from overreacting and running away with my emotions. I do tend to make ridiculous assumptions about what I think is/isn't going on. I cannot believe that I allow myself to be ruled by my head, even after all the wrong roads it has taken me down. My heart should be the only thing I ever listen to, so why I let my head try to convince me that something completely false is real is beyond me. I'm old enough to know I should take a step back and pause before reacting. I've been trying to do a little soul-searching to see if I can find out where the insecurities come from. Sure, there is a lot of hurt and mistrust in my past. There is always my father's influence and his strong negativity lingering in me. My mother's overbearing influence and obsession with protection. I know how all of these have shaped me, and still I remain an individual that has to take responsibility for my action. I cannot blame my up-bringing or past hurt for my actions today. I probably had the most positive person in my life in years, and instead of enjoying her and growing our relationship, I allowed my head to start down a negative anti-trust spiral down. Is it true that we get stuck, because we think that we do not deserve to be happy? or is it being comfortable in our misery? If I think the worst, then I cannot be hurt again, or some idiotic line of thought. The hardest thing for me to do is to just stop all the internal dialog and just listen to my heart. I have spent years building up a barrier to shield myself from hurt.
I do not wish to live like this anymore. I do not want to become my father and mother. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on in a positive direction. I want to believe and know in my heart that I deserve happiness and living in the positive. Listen to your heart, Jeff. It has always known the true meaning of love and been there to guide you, if you would just let it!

2 comments:

  1. Hi Jeff.

    Your blog, the sincerity with which you are searching your heart, has moved me to share a bit of learning from my own life. I hope you don't mind.

    I have spent the last half dozen years pausing to let the "thoughts" of my heart rise above the clamor of those voices my head, old voices without wisdom. It is a demanding discipline but very much worth the sacrifice, most of which has meant learning to eat my words. It also requires that I own my *own* shit and expect nothing, absolutely nothing, from the other person. It's amazing how many dramas simply disappear when I do this, as if by magic. Even after all these years, I'm amazed at how this works.

    Even more interesting: some of the biggest assholes have, upon reflection, turned out to be my greatest teachers. I have learned that what I considered to be bad behavior on *their* part was actually their willingness to reflect back to me my own crappy behavior. Now THAT's a humbling. LOL. Most interesting of all is this: I have had to do all of this alone; my friends and loved ones believed I was lying down like a rug and letting the other person walk all over me. The heart, my heart, has the radical belief that everything is forgivable; furthermore, I hold the radical belief that being a righteous victim (that is, someone who can see the other's behavior as absolutely wrong and therefore worthy of judgement and condemnation), well that's just being a victim period. My job is not to name their mess but simply to keep my side of the street clean. It can feel like a Zen discipline: austere at times.

    Some days I love this process. Some days I hate it. Some days I fail miserably at it. Just like going to the gym, you know? LOL Hearts are amazing things, though. The harder we work them, whether it's through aerobics, self-responsibility, or forgiveness, the better they work.

    Ah! Just saw your blip. : ) Are YOU experienced. I think that you are.

    Sending love,
    Dina

    aka 4Sins

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  2. Dina,
    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me and I know that you are right. I need to try to let go of the head and realizing how hard this is, as you have too, makes it all the more rewarding in the end. I hope I can learn from you and all your inherent wisdom!
    Love you,
    Jeff

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