Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I awake each morning in the white light
the day happens with me or without me
Transcends into darkness
Glimpses of hard truths
back into white
safety, familiarity, happy spaces
falls back into that dark space
reality, fears, indifference, obscurity
love sucks me back into light
but alas love also pulls me back into dark
vulnerability, jealousy, fears, insecurity
wondrous lighted love where all is possible, all is beautiful
hovers between, suspended by a thread, out of control
heart show me, lead me to the right path
give me more time

Monday, December 21, 2009


Did you ever want to go to some tropical paradise for Christmas! Not so much to celebrate Christmas in a warm climate, but to escape the norm.
That thought has been on my mind ever since my cyber cypher suggested that is what she wanted for Christmas. I would love doing that, and just to see the look on my families faces when I tell them "I'm going to Hawaii for Christmas" would be priceless! I think we should plan on that for next Christmas, because alas it would be pretty impossible this year! That would make the New Year and the tedious months to follow go by faster with the anticipation of a fabulous vacation in Hawaii for Christmas could be an awesome reality! Of course, we may get lost there and never come back, which come to think of it is even more alluring. What the hell, I've always wanted to become a surf bum anyways and what better place to do that? Maybe Kauai instead? yeah less crowded and more people like us :)It would be nice to be a local and not laughed at as a tourista visiting.
It's funny, my dad was born on Oahu and I've only been there once. He was there when they bombed Pearl harbor. He joined the Army and got sent to another island in the pacific. Talk about dumb luck! My father bounced around in the military for a number of years before moving to California to pursue a career in Art. Oahu from my experience is the biggest hodgepodge of cultural diversities. A lot of prejudice there, and downright hatred, but Kauai is beautiful and has a whole different feel to it. My uncle was a fighter pilot in WW2 and the Korean wars. He has written books about his wartime experiences and is quite a character. He lives on maui now. I know so little about the islands thanks to my dad hating them so, that we never visited there.
My father is one of those, like his father before him, unapproachable types. Growing up I mostly heard things like "Don't do as I do, do as I tell you or I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong." Other gems were when I had to help him work with tools. I would be told to hand him a wrench or something, not knowing which one, of course, and being called a dummy or idiot for not being able to read his fucking mind! As far as my grandfather goes, I don't think he spoke more than two sentences to me his whole life. I knew he was religious, because he would threaten constantly to leave all his money to the Catholic church.
I learned about love from my mother and from trial and error. Both my parents came from the no communication generation.
My mother was a loving, giving woman with a huge heart. She was outgoing friendly to everyone. She grew up in Monroe, Michigan. She spent her early adulthood in Detroit. She worked on the atom smashers during WW2in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. I think that all the radiation exposure, and who knows what may have contributed to her Alzheimer's and other conditions. She never developed cancer though. She met my father in California where he was a poor art student and they worked at a dinner together. My dad got fired and my mom quit, Lol. They got married soon after. I have two older sisters and a younger brother. I spent most of my life in southern California. When i did finally decide to leave and make a new life for myself, something unexpected happened.
I always thought I would remain close to my family. Little did I know that they would consider me the trader who moved away. It has been quite a realization year after year to know that if I want to be a part of them, I have to make the sacrifice to go to them. I did that last year so I won't be going back sometime soon. I will be spending Christmas in lovely Sedona, Az with the other crazy family. Next year Kauai!! Merry Christmas family!
Happy Holidays everyone!
Peace out!

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I woke up this morning feeling pretty down and dismal. I was in my usual re-hashing all the same thoughts about where my life is going, not going. I turned on the TV and started watching "Angel Eyes" with Jennifer Lopez. I've seen it before, so I put on some music and turned the sound off on the TV. I do this a lot. I'd have to say that Jennifer Lopez is an amazing actress with the sound off, at least in this movie she is. She really has got the conveying with her eye's thing down.
I have been drawn to Joni Mitchell lately as I have most of my life. I pulled up "Hejira", a collection of nine tunes that probably reveal the most about her poetry and life than any other work she has done. To me, this does and I'm sure others have different opinions. For me, this collection of poetry speaks directly to me. It actually does more than that, it gets inside of me. I would go further and state that I actually have mystic experiences while listening to her. I should say hearing her, not listening. we can listen to music, but it is not the same as hearing it. Through hearing and getting inside the musics essence is where the true power of music lies. For me, as it started today, it forms a slight tingle in my head, then grows in intensity circling over my whole body in waves of healing energy. It doesn't happen too often, but when it comes it is one of the most inspiring feelings I've ever felt. I guess you could say that Joni is like a guardian angelic to me :)
This process started for me when I was a teenager. The first time i felt it I was scared at first, then it felt like a hand over my heart holding me and then the wave of pulsing tingling and healing took place. It is awesome!
When I studied light meditation in Seattle with an energy healer, a shaman I learned to open up other colors of light energy and how to direct them through my body and others. They can also be used to protect yourself and heal specific areas that need it.
They can even be directed at inanimate objects for protection, such as your car. White light works best for this. How this comes to me through playing Joni, I don't know. I just accept it and consider it a blessing when it happens. My cyber cypher is telling me all the time, that this is just wires and pictures coming through a machine. I have to smile to myself, as I know she knows as I do that the wires and machine are only the messenger. The message is real. Energy follows thought and that is what is conveyed. As Empaths, it is hard to stay grounded. There is so many forces, people who need to suck our energy and we are bound to give it in sacrifice. It is our calling even amongst ourselves.
We feel things and know things that others may not see or feel. That doesn't mean that they can't, for I believe we all have the capability to do that, just some have closed the door to it for whatever reason.
It can be a blessing and a curse.
Today it is a blessing!
Thank you Joni! Thank you God!

Friday, December 11, 2009


Hope everyone is surviving the holiday madness so far! I still can't get into Christmas music. It's not so much that I don't like it but it bombards us so much, that it gets sickening after a while. I'm not alone in this am I? Everywhere and every year it comes sooner and faster. Peeps start decorating for Halloween now two or more weeks before then it just takes off from there. When I was kid, peeps didn't even decorate for Halloween other than maybe put out a pumpkin with a real candle. Not a light that blinks, flashes whatever. a flicker of the candle. Remember that? Then thanksgiving was a low key family gathering. Today it is a big production and quite elaborate. then builds up to Christmas! The celebration of our lords birth! When Jesus preached the spirit of giving, I think he had good will in mind. Helping your neighbors, forgiving your enemies, loving your families. How we got it twisted into this commercial circus it has become today is beyond reason. Gift giving in my family has become the epitome of everything commercial you can think of. Like that is supposed to make you happy and fulfilled. No enrichment of my life for Christmas sake but a new gadget, toy, some tech thing should surely do the trick. Thank you God, thank you Jesus! Now I'm not usually a reactionary but when it comes to what we have done to Christmas, I would like to go back to the days when the true meaning of Christmas was celebrated. The spread of love, cheer, a genuine caring and interest in your fellowman. I know the sentiments still exist. I witness them from time to time. Try to change the way you celebrate Christmas and if you have kids, they think they are being punished, or you get called a cheapskate or worse. There is always someone there to pump you full of guilt. look at the fucking commercials on TV. "He went to Jerrod's. A diamond is forever. if your a guy, then its Man-tools, Home depot, Sears Craftsman. Yeah power me up baby! New cars, caviar...think Ill buy a football team-pink Floyd" And what is this shit about all these so-called sales? You cranking out cash for something you think someone else wants or likes and your supposed to feel good about spending the money cause you saved a little?? Every retailer jacks up the price of everything at Christmas just so they can tell you it's on sale when in reality your paying top dollar. I really have nothing against the giving of gifts concept, just why does it have to be so corrupted and stressful? Too much pressure! Not enough feeling good and natural celebration to me. How do you all feel about it? If I'm full of shit, then so be it but I'd really prefer to skip Christmas one year. Whew! I feel better, now I hope I didn't bum everyone out...just saying...OK OK I will try to find a way to get in the Christmas spirit. It usually doesn't hit me until around Christmas eve and after several bottles of beer :) As my friend Geri reminded me, no matter what stance we take, we are bound to offend someone, but isn't that what Christ was: Truth, Love. A true offender! We should all strive to be true to ourselves and in doing so be true to him.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Today is about time. Appropriate as we all have very little of that commodity.
I thought about it and realized how time is used in music. so here goes:
No Time left for you, on my way to better things. How does anybody really know what Time it is. Time is on your side, yes it is. Stepping in a Timezone. It's the Time of the season.Time to kill. It's Time like these. well, you get the idea. It goes on and on. So much emphasis placed on a man-made thing. We all want so much more of it, that isn't it really the biggest addiction we succumb to? What did they do in the days before man started watching the stars? Now there's a big waste of the stuff.Time and space. No Time to spend hours with you, I've got all these other commitments of my Time. Is it not really just about re-arranging things so that you can do what you want for leisure? We Time our work! You were seven minutes late, so we are docking your pay. Where did that expression come from? what is docking anyway. All stemmed out of a fee charged for a boat docking along shore. Just like rent! Can you imagine a world without time? what would we call it when we pass it, cheat it, use it, harness it, loose it, need more of it, borrow it, beg for it, capture it, sleep in it? Take Time off! Use it or loose it! When you run out of it, your dead but not really, you just inherit it eternally! hmmmm how nice full circle! :) Peace out!