Another Birthday tomorrow! Oh boy! Can't wait! For some reason I always get a deep depression right before my birthday. I don't understand the dynamics behind it either. I don't care that much about getting older although i try not to think about it. I'm healthy and feel a lot younger than I 'am, so I really don't understand it. I end up taking it out on people I love and care about, innocent peeps, you name it. The feeling continues to fester and grow in me until after its over, then things tend to slowly go back to normal. I wanted to explore this a little to see if this happens to others. I know it does and is fairly common but do others not understand why like I do? It also seems to get worse every year, which by now you'd think I would have figured out a way to deal with it. I can't trace it back to anytime when something bad may have happened. It must be something deeply buried inside me. So the best thing for me to do around my birthday is to go into retreat. The problem with that is that birthdays aren't just for the one who's having them, it really more for everyone around you. So to hide is not always an option. Maybe the attention to it makes me uncomfortable, but that shouldn't lead to a depression. I have that song "manic depression" going through my head over and over. "I know what I want but I just don't know how to go about getting it"
As I'm being constantly reminded, it is not all about me though, so I need to snap out of it and get past it. How to do that? hmmm maybe a birthday stripper might help. Yeah bring on the dancing girls! Couldn't hurt! Maybe a comedy club? Hell maybe I should go skydiving for the first time. If I can't figure it out while scared shitless and falling to the earth, then I never will. Of course others, friends, family who know me well, will tell me I'm still full of shit and to get over myself. That is always good advice but doesn't really help. I really just need to disappear from everything and everybody for a week. If Only! I miss my mother at times like these. She always had a smile and some good cheer to bring me back. What a generous gifted being she was. Never afraid to speak to anyone and never a bad word for anyone. How I got all my negativity, well I know i got it from my father cause I wanted to be just like him and funny, be careful what you wish for chimes true. Well at least I get to postpone my party for another week due to Superbowl being in Feb. Then the game takes precedence over my b-day :)
How do you make up with the ones you hurt? With the deadly pride always in the way, I always remember that stupid line form Urban cowboy when the uncle talks about having a gullet big enough to let the old pride swallow :)
I know the opinion of one will be whoa is me stop feeling sorry for youself so I got it out and feel a little better :)