I read something today about trust in relationships that made me stop and think. I will be one to admit that I have had trust issues in relationships at one point or another. Being a victim of mistrust and abuse, it is not hard to see why I have issues but I have never explored the possibility that it might not be other people's actions that can set off the mistrust, that it might, in fact, be something within me that causes it to surface. So I would like to explore that idea a little. The article talked about how some men will try to read their significant other's diary, hack their emails and that kind of thing. While I have never tried to read any woman's diary nor have I ever hacked their emails, the reason that the article said they do this kind of hit me. It said that a man who feels the need to keep tabs or check-up on his significant other, may have secrets they themselves might want to hide. While not a new concept, not one I would tend to contemplate. I have always chalk it up to insecurities or feelings of not having control. The reality should be that we are not meant to have control of another and the fact that we are in a relationship should prove that there in nothing to be insecure about. So much of what we think goes on in an online relationship is conjecture. We have to make inferences about what we think is going on because we cannot witness or be savvy to the whole picture.
For instance, if you were to go to a party with your significant other and some guy comes on to her in an inappropriate way and you are there to see it, well then you can confront him and her about the nature of what happened. But in a online situation, you basically have nothing to go by unless there was a wide-range of witnesses or something like that. So I believe that trust has to be a major factor on both sides. Invading someones space to satisfy your own curiosity leads nowhere but to more mistrust. It slowly sinks in! To confront someone about something you have little or no idea what it is about just puts them on the defensive and accomplishes very little other than hurt feelings. Of course on the other end of the spectrum there are those who will take advantage of the fact that there is no accountability online and who feel anything goes. Well for those, I choose not to associate myself with those types online or in real life. I also try not to be judgemental about what people do either, it is after all fairly harmless as long as they are not hurting someone. I do not however tolerate abusive, disruptive or threatening behavior from anyone not do I allow it to be inflicted on anyone I like.
I have been threatened online, and I have been called on my actions and I can tell you it is not pleasant. In certain situations you cannot even defend yourself because the person you are trying to deal with has already placed you in their category of what they perceive you to represent to them. When conversation becomes so one-sided and takes on the persona of just being about them, there is nothing you can do but remain silent.
I hope that I can learn from the mistakes I've made and choose to become a better friend, lover, and observer.
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